The Spatula

A sex ring run by Circuit City was busted up by the FCC today.  In all 10,000 flat screen TVs were charged with prostitution, while Circuit City CEO, James Marcum, was charged with, among other things, being the sick fucker who decided to put legs on television sets.

To date 134 men have been rushed to the hospital for severe lacerations.  Apparently sexually frustrated husbands are getting drunk, bending their television sets over the coffee tables and trying to stick their dicks in the HDMI ports.

Here at The Spatula, we find the composite inputs work much better.

The Klu Klux Klan, in an almost newsworthy turn of events, sent a letter to President Elect Barack Obama.  In the letter the KKK offered to change every instance of the word “hero” to “Negro” in key American songs.   They cited the move as a step forward in relations between themselves and the Presidential Transition Team.  Some of the changes will include top hits, such as:

• They say a Negro can save us, I’m not going to stand here and wait - Chad Kroeger
• I need a Negro. I’m holding out for a Negro ‘til the end of the night - Bonnie Tyler
• There goes my Negro, Watch him as he goes - Foo Fighters
• Did you ever know that you’re my Negro - Bette Middler

The world will have to wait and see how the President Elect responds to this odd gesture of good will. Analysts are confident he’ll maintain his cool resolve.  At the Spatula, our money is on tanks.

LAS ANGLOS, Nevada – Today the small town of Las Anglos, renowned for its world-class prostitution, renamed its Main Street to Media Whore Avenue after the talk show host, Larry King. The announcement was prompted by an ongoing feud between Las Anglos and their big-brother counterpart, Los Angeles, located in nearby California.

“We’re sick of being associated with that damn town and all their evil-doers. Now they have taken our town hero and named a street after him!” Local city councilman, Rupert Everett, stated, “Larry King shouldn’t let himself be associated with that kind of filth. That man is a legitimate whore. He’s as hard-working as any of the fine prostitutes we have in Nevada.”

When questioned why the town decided to use the name Media Whore instead of Larry King the city councilman was visibly upset, “That poor man deserves more. Larry King is an inspiration to every local whore here in Nevada. We couldn’t just copy what Los Angeles did. We had to show them up. We put Larry up on a pedestal for all whores to see. Hell, we tell our girls when they’re working extra long nights, ‘Keep at it, girls! One day, if you whore yourself out long enough and to the right kind of folk, you too could be Larry King.”

We met up with Larry to get his take on the situation. Unfortunately he’d never heard of The Spatula, so we had our intern, ‘Bob’ fake some credentials and pass himself off as a New York Times reporter.

Bob: So Larry, you’re a Media Whore. How does that make you feel?

Larry King: That’s no way to start an interview, and I am most certainly not a media whore… You say you’re with the Times?

Bob: That what’s it says right here on my press pass, Larry.

Larry King: Is that crayon?

Bob: Let’s move on. How many movies would you say you’ve appeared in interviewing people as ‘Larry King’?

Larry King: Now that’s an excellent question. I’ve been in dozens of movies. I’ve sat next to the biggest names in Hollywood.

Bob: Yes you have. You could say women all over the media industry seek your expertise to satisfy their needs.

Larry King: That’s correct… and men too! When the movie people want the job done right, they come to me.

Bob: That’s a little more information than I was looking for Larry. And you do get paid to play this role, yes?

Larry King: I am compensated, yes.

Bob: Uh huh…

Bob: So Larry, you’re a Media Whore. How does that make you feel?

Larry King:

Bob: Ah, come on, Larry! Don’t walk out! I haven’t paid you yet…

Bob: Larry! Please! I’m sorry! At least come back and let me wipe the white stuff off your chin.

Bob: No seriously, Larry… you do have a something on your chin…

Bob: Larry?

GREENWICH, Connecticut – The “Queen of Mean” was known for her eccentricities and all around quirky rich-chick behavior. It came as no surprise that Leona Helmsley left her dog, Trouble, 12 million dollars when she passed away. Trouble has been receiving a lot of bad press recently as accusations of biting the hired help and having a shitty disposition have been rampant in the mainstream media.

Here at The Spatula we believe almost everyone should have a chance to tell their side of the story. In another The Spatula exclusive, one of our writers drove out to Connecticut to meet with Leona’s dog, Trouble, to get its side of the story.

The Spatula: Trouble, thank you for meeting with us today. I realize you must be very busy handling the recent litigation troub… er… issues so we won’t take up too much of your time. Do you feel that 12 million dollars is a reasonable amount to leave a dog?

Trouble:

The Spatula: Ah, I see. Fine, fine I understand it’s a sensitive topic. Let’s talk about the accusations that you bite the hired help. The press is making you out to be a monster. What would you like to say to all those people accusing you of these malicious attacks?

Trouble:

The Spatula: You’re right. You don’t have to defend yourself against these baseless accusations. I mean, come on, the hired help? They’re mostly immigrants anyway, we can’t trust those people. Let’s move on. What are your plans for the future?

Trouble:

The Spatula: Jesus, Trouble, this whole “silent” routine is wearing a little thin, don’t you think? The woman left you $12 million dollars. Two of her own grandkids got nada, the world is making you out to be some kind of bitch and you have nothing to say?

Trouble:

The Spatula: Oh for fuck’s sake! This is going nowhere.

At The Spatula we pride ourselves on our journalistic integrity. So it pained our lead field writer greatly when he had to punt Trouble into the wall to get the interview going.

Trouble: bark!

The Spatula: That’s what I’m talking about! You’re pissed, don’t just sit there and suffer in silence, let the people know how you feel!

Trouble:

The Spatula: Come on you little pain in the ass, give up the goods!

While we support our writers completely, we were a little shocked when he picked up the dog and threw it across the room.

Trouble: bark! bark!

The Spatula: Finally! Now tell me, were you and Leona romantically involved? The woman left you so much money, you must have done something for her? Did you cuddle with her? A little late night touchy-feely? Maybe she liked to sniff your ass when no one was looking?

Trouble:

The Spatula: Oh, you’re gonna talk. One way or the other, Trouble, I’m getting this story!

Trouble:

Unfortunately for Trouble our former writer was a fan of Mixed Martial Arts. In a fairly stupid attempt to make the dog talk he placed Trouble in a rear naked choke hold. In all fairness to our former writer, he did expect the dog would tap-out. But sadly Trouble died instead.

NEW YORK, New York - Michael Vick was arrested today for shoplifting. The now notorious football player was stopped leaving HBO headquarters when a security guard noticed he had a rather small bulge in his left jacket pocket. When Vick was asked to empty his pockets, he refused. As Vick tried to push his way past, the security guard heard a sound coming from Vick’s pocket. The guard pulled his gun and ordered Vick to stop while he called for police back up.

“I was scared. You know Mike was just busted for all that dog fighting stuff, and here he goes, walking by me with something moving in his pocket,” Security Guard, Brian Shea, stated. “I thought for sure he had a puppy in there… or maybe a kitten… So I stopped him and politely asked him to empty his pockets. But he just ignored me. I couldn’t let him just leave with God knows what in his pocket. I mean, this ain’t the America it was a few years ago, he looked suspicious and I was curious. So I pulled my gun on him and told him to empty his pockets.”

According to eyewitnesses, the security guard was visibly shaken when Vick reached into his pocket and pulled out Bob Costas.

“It blew our minds,” one passerby told us, “There was Mr. Vick standing in the lobby. The security guard ordered him to empty his pockets on the table. I stopped, my wife stopped, the whole place stopped! Everyone wanted to see what was going on. Then Mr. Vick reached into his left pocket and pulled out Mr. Costas. You could tell the security guard wasn’t registering what he was seeing. He just sorta tilted his head and stared at Bob.”

When the police arrived Michael Vick was immediately taken into custody. During questioning it came out that Vick was planning to pit Costas against Barry Bonds in a Battle Royale in his hotel room. Police rushed over to the hotel to find Barry Bonds tied to the toilet with a dog collar around his neck. The New York District Attorney moved quickly to file charges.

“We are charging Mr. Vick with shoplifting. He will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. If everything goes our way and the NFL doesn’t bribe any judges, we may be able to fine him $1,500.”

When asked why Vick was not charged with kidnapping Costas or Bonds, the D.A. replied, “We wanted to, believe me. But Costas was in his pocket. The only law that covers walking out of an establishment with property that doesn’t belong to you is shoplifting.”

When asked why Bob Costas was referred to as “property”, the D.A. responded,” Mr. Costas really should have checked the fine print on his deal with HBO.”

As Bonds was there voluntarily, Vick could not be charged for tying him to the toilet. Mr. Bonds could not be reached for comment.

LOS ANGELES, California – Dr. Phil talks to The Spatula about his shameful secret. In this exclusive interview, America’s favorite talk show Doctor comes forward about the true purpose behind his popular TV show.

The Spatula: So Dr. Phil, you’re a pervert. Why?

Dr. Phil: I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a pervert.

The Spatula: Uh huh, what would you call yourself then?

Dr. Phil: Misunderstood.

The Spatula: How so?

Dr. Phil: As you probably know I have a TV show that exploits people for the sake of my own financial success.

The Spatula: Of course. But this is nothing new. Every talk show host in history has exploited people for financial gain. What makes you so special?

Dr. Phil: Yeah but there’s a subtle difference.

The Spatula: Which is?

Dr. Phil: I masturbate every time I watch my own show.

The Spatula: No shit.

Dr. Phil: No shit.

The Spatula: Well, let me ask the obvious question here…

Dr. Phil: …

The Spatula: Why?

Dr. Phil: I thought that would be obvious.

The Spatula: Apparently not. Why don’t you tell us?

Dr. Phil: It’s not something I like to talk about.

The Spatula: Huh, yet you had no problem telling us you masturbate to your own show.

Dr. Phil: Good point. Well, the truth is these people that come on the show…

The Spatula: Yes?

Dr. Phil: They think I’m God.

The Spatula: No shit.

Dr. Phil: No shit.

The Spatula: And that turns you on?

Dr. Phil: In a big way.

The Spatula: Huh. Well… I uh… I have no idea what to say to that.

Dr. Phil: The way these poor saps look up to me, the way they take my advice and live it, breathe it, do whatever I say, oh God it’s so hot, I can say anything … to anyone… and they listen… not only do they listen… they actually do whatever I tell them, I mean think about it, I’m a doctor, sure, but my show is strictly for entertainment, it says right on my web page that I am not giving medical advice, performing therapy or anything remotely close to something resembling actual help, yet these people worship me, they send me flowers, their daughters tag-team me in the dressing room, their wives want me to teabag them and I get paid millions of dollars a year…

The Spatula: Calm down there, Sparky. You know, you’ve got issues.

Dr. Phil: I know. Every night after taping I go home and get out a jar of peanut butter, a large wooden spoon, and I strip down to my skivvies. Then I drop my pants and lather up my …

The Spatula: Whoa! I think we get the idea.

Dr. Phil: But I haven’t even told you the best part!

The Spatula: *Sigh… What’s the best part, Dr. Phil?

Dr. Phil: Well it’s no secret that Oprah and I are friends, right?

The Spatula: Sure.

Dr. Phil: Well, we’ve known each other for a long time. One night at a party she gave me her bra.

The Spatula: No shit.

Dr. Phil: No shit.

The Spatula: Go on…

Dr. Phil: Well after I get done putting peanut butter all over my genitals, I put on Oprah’s bra and write “whore” across my chest with red lipstick. Then I masturbate until I cry.

The Spatula:

Dr. Phil:

The Spatula:

Dr. Phil: What?!

The Spatula: You are one sick motherfucker.

Dr. Phil: And they love me for it! God, I’m getting hard just thinking about it.

LOS ANGELES, California – The popular television judge, Judy Sheindlin, stated that while being a judge was “neat and all” her focus was to beat Oprah. Judge Judy Sheindlin’s show was recently renewed through 2009/2010. With the shows first DVD about to be released, it seems there is nothing this TV personality cannot do.

In a rare one on one interview, Judy Judy sat down with us here at The Spatula to discuss her plans in for the coming years.

The Spatula: Thank you for meeting with us, Judge Judy.

Judge Judy: You’re welcome, young man. You have a nice little newspaper.

The Spatula: You read ‘The Spatula’?

Judge Judy: The what?

The Spatula: Never mind. Do you feel at all awkward that your show perverts justice and turns it into a form of advertising-sponsored entertainment?

Judge Judy: You got any Tequila around here?

The Spatula: I’m sorry, did you just ask for Tequila?

Judge Judy: You bet your ass sweet-cheeks, give mama some magic juice!

The Spatula: Uh, no ma’am I don’t believe we…

Judge Judy: Let’s not play with each other, you and I, because I guarantee you that, on your best day, you’re not as smart as I am on my worst day. Clear?

The Spatula: Judge Judy, are you drunk?

Judge Judy: Where did you think you were coming to today, a tea party?

The Spatula: No ma’am, I work here.

Judge Judy: Let’s get this straight, I’m worth $95 million dollars, if I want some damn tequila, I’m going to get some damn tequila. Do we understand each other?

The Spatula: Yes ma’am. So you’re worth $95 million dollars?

Judge Judy: That’s right, sonny, and don’t you forget it.

The Spatula: Fine. Still, earning millions of dollars by making a mockery of our legal system and turning order and justice into a sound-bite…

Judge Judy: What are you babbling about … order and justice?! You really don’t have a clue what you’re talking about do you? *hiccup

The Spatula: No ma’am.

Judge Judy: I’m gonna learn you something, junior. The reason I make as much as I do has nothing to do with justice and everything to do with ratings.

The Spatula: That’s what I just said …

Judge Judy: Shut up! Pay attention. My show isn’t about finding out who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about me. People want to watch me berate these poor schmucks. They get paid $100 dollars to come on my show and listen to me yell at them.

The Spatula: Do you feel this is a real-life court show or not?

Judge Judy: You know the audience members in the courtroom?

The Spatula: Yes…

Judge Judy: They’re paid extras on the show. They’re instrcuted to laugh on cue and have mumbling conversations with each others.

The Spatula: But the litigants are real?

Judge Judy: Oh don’t get me started on them! These nut jobs actually sue each other over some trivial nonsense that shows how preoccupied poor people are with mundane events.

The Spatula: So your show targets poor people?

Judge Judy: All this talking is making me thirsty, how about getting mama a Jägerbomb?

The Spatula: No ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t have any liquor.

Judge Judy: Baloney! That doesn’t make sense, and if something doesn’t make sense, it’s not true. Now out with the sauce!

The Spatula: We do keep a few bottles of wine in the back. Can you tell us a little about your plans for the future? Then I’ll see about getting that bottle of wine.

Judge Judy: Are you flirting with me?

The Spatula: No ma’am.

Judge Judy: Fine, I like it when young men play hard-to-get. Me plans are simple, I want to beat Oprah.

The Spatula: What do you mean?

Judge Judy: She’s the only one standing in my way. That bitch makes $260 million a year and is the highest paid woman in TV. Fuck her! I’m a fucking judge!

The Spatula: Well… I really don’t know where to go from there… best of luck to you. This has been a memorable interview. Do you have anything else you’d like to say to our readers?

Judge Judy: Readers schmreaders. How about we hit that bottle of wine and you tell me what a bad boy you’ve been…

The Spatula:

Judge Judy: Are you circumcised?

WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Army released its new marketing initiative today. With the huge success of their previous campaign “Strong” the Army is riding a wave of popularity, and seeing the highest enlistment rates since the 60s.

“Hell, the last time we had this many kids signing up we had a draft on,” Colonel Day stated, “These kids today realize the importance of the US Military. We provide clothes, three hot meals a day and we let um shoot shit.”

The new campaign “Army Poor” is following the trend of truthful advertising sweeping the country. Not to be outdone by the Air Force’s new campaign “Air Force – Odds Are You Won’t Die” the Army has stepped out into the public eye with its own truthful campaign.

“Lets face facts,” Colonel Day continued, “The kids we need are poor. They ain’t got shit and they ain’t ever gonna have shit. It’s either join us or work for minimum wage. We give these kids a sense of purpose. They can fight and die for business and political agendas overseas. Their parents get a nice check when their kids take one fer the team, and they become hometown heroes. Hell, that’s a lot better than turning into a smack addict and sucking off some white-collar republican in a public restroom. We give these poor bastards dignity.”

The Army is currently offering a $20,000 dollar signing bonus. If you’re poor this may be the way to go. After taxes you’ll clear just over $10,000 and who knows, maybe you won’t die.

DALLAS, Texas - American Airlines announced today that it would be moving in a different direction in regards to customer satisfaction. With a slew of major airlines revamping their policies after years of declining customer service, American Airline’s CEO Gerard J. Arpey stated that his company was tired of dealing with whiny travelers.

“These people will complain no matter what. If they sit on the runway for a couple of hours due to a mechanical problem, they start bitching. If their luggage gets lost, they start bitching. If they have to pay for snacks and headphones, they start bitching. We’ve decided that no matter what we try, airline customers will bitch, so screw ‘um.”

This statement comes after an increasing amount of flights were delayed for “mechanical checks.” In addition, flights also sat on the tarmac waiting for “the paperwork to be signed.” One passenger stated that he flew from Baltimore to Los Angeles with a layover in Dallas. On both flights he and his family were delayed two hours. According to the passenger he and the rest of the passengers were kept on the plane, at the terminal, while they waited for “paperwork” to be signed. This happened on both flights on the way to California, and amazingly it happened on both flights on the way back as well.

“I have no fucking idea what this paperwork is, but it delayed us for a total of eight hours. This isn’t eight hours sitting in the terminal, this was eight hours sitting in the fucking plane with no air conditioning. The flight attendants tried their best to help out, they offered us water. Apparently they weren’t allowed to give us snacks and soda or play a goddamn movie while we sat in the 90 degree heat.”

At one point passengers started to get frustrated and they were quickly reminded by the staff that if they did not sit quietly and take it, they would pulled of the plane and investigated by the TSA.

“The last thing we wanted was some eighteen year old kid with a GED patting us down in the name of national security. Hell it would be one thing if these kids were trained professionals, but so far every one I’ve had the fortune to meet has been a dipshit.”

American Airlines, tired of spending money on answering e-mails and phone calls from disgruntled passengers finally said enough is enough.

“These people have to fly. It’s not like everyone is going to boycott air travel. And if they have to fly they’re fucked. It doesn’t matter what airline they take, it’s not like there’s some ‘magical’ airline out there that gives a shit what these whiny bastards think. They have to fly and in the end they’ll fly whatever airline gets them the best deal. As we all rotate our sales and discounts, they’ll end up here eventually. And you know what, from now on we’re charging these pussies to use the bathroom!”

ATLANTA, Georgia – CNN, The Most Trusted Name in News, today announced it was “OK” with serving the agenda of the financial elite. This was a first-step move by CNN to reduce marketing and advertising costs by telling the truth.

In a mildly stunning interview CNN told The Spatula that the latest poll shows 99.98% of people in the United States are outraged by the actions of the rich and powerful. And of those people, almost one percent are prepared to do something about it if and when they find the time.

The Spatula: Thank you for taking time to meet with us today. Please tell us a little bit about how this new poll by Nielsen Media Research has impacted the corporate news community.

CNN: It’s time corporations, specifically corporate news, faced facts. The American people are pissed. People are going to complain to friends and family, write stern letters of disapproval on the Internet, even form peaceful rallies to protest the corporate hold over our major media sources. In the end we must recognize the importance of their actions.

The Spatula: And what is the importance of the American people’s actions?

CNN: Absolutely nothing.

The Spatula: Your organization isn’t concerned about what its readers think?

CNN: Readers? Who the hell reads anymore? You mean viewers.

The Spatula: Fine, your organization isn’t concerned with what its viewers think?

CNN: Not really, no. You have to remember that Time Warner owns Turner Broadcasting, who in turn owns CNN. These are the same people who own Warner Bros. Entertainment, HBO and New Line Cinema. Like any corporation we need to keep our board of directors and majority shareholders happy. In order to do that we need to make money. It’s not like the money fairy visits us on payday.

We here at The Spatula would like to note that although we did laugh along with the CNN representative as he kept repeating: “Money fairy… that’s a good one,” we were crying on the inside.

The Spatula: So the news you report is guided by the corporate ownership?

CNN: Of course.

The Spatula: Do they tell you what to write?

CNN: Good God no! In the past that would have been entirely too transparent to the American people. However we are looking into that as an option moving forward.

The Spatula: Then how does it work?

CNN: Listen, this isn’t that hard of a concept to grasp. We report the three golden pillars of corporate news.

The Spatula: Which are?

CNN: Don’t interrupt me, I was going for a dramatic pause…

The Spatula: Our mistake, please continue.

CNN: I will if you’ll just shut-up for a minute…

The Spatula: You realize this is interview will be in print? It’s difficult to write a dramatic pause in a print interview.

CNN: You’re not taping this?!

The Spatula: Umm no.

CNN: Fine. Here’s what we’ll do. I’ll say the bit again about the “three golden pillars” and you guys just put in a bunch of dots afterwards, OK? Here goes…

CNN: We report on the three golden pillars of corporate news.

The Spatula: ……………………….

CNN: Bloodshed, punishment and entertainment.

The Spatula: Bloodshed, punishment and entertainment?

CNN: Bloodshed, punishment and entertainment!

The Spatula: Is this all you report on?

CNN: No, we report on other topics of interest as well. For example money, sex, drugs and cute little off-the-wall stories that make people smile.

The Spatula: Interesting. In the context you provided, “cute little stories” seem a bit out of place. Why bother with them at all?

CNN: Mostly to keep the suicide rate under control. We’re not monsters you know.

The Spatula: What about other subjects, like education or healthcare, do you report on those?

CNN: Don’t be ridiculous, of course we do. We are very open to exploring unbiased news as long as the news topic, education and healthcare for example, meet our criteria and involve bloodshed, punishment, entertainment, sex or drugs.

The Spatula: You’re not at all concerned about coming forward and telling the public this information?

CNN: Nah. It saves us a bunch of money on trying to sell Anderson Cooper as a legitimate newsman. Besides, we realize the American people are too fat and lazy to do much about it, so why bother with the time and expense to cover it up? It’s time corporations stopped pandering to their customers and started acting like men. If our customers don’t like it, who cares, where else are they going to go to get their news?

The Spatula: That’s a good question. And that concludes our interview. You heard it here first, America. Where else are you going to get your news?

CNN: One more thing, if you don’t mind…

The Spatula: ……………………….

CNN: Can you tell your readers that I wore a yellow ribbon on my suit to show my support for our troops? I thought this was going to be taped.

The Spatula: Consider it done.